I know this will find you well, you were one beautiful baby. I wish I had a picture of you, one I could rest on my chest as I try sleeping since insomnia has been my dose lately. It has now been a year since you left without notice or anything. You just snuffed out. I am lying on my bed, tears slowly trickling down my cheeks, all I can listen to are my thoughts about you, about how beautiful life would have been with you around.
I am writing this to congratulate you on winning at this game. You won without playing as a smart person would do you cheated your way out. It was easy to go out that way. You never had to see the light of the day, you never had to suffer. It was painful while it lasted. It is still unknown what happened but here we are searching and combing for an explanation and meaning. I watched you for hours wrapped up in baby blankets, I watched until I started hallucinating. I saw your feet move.
I don’t know if I would have been a good father or just a father for that matter. Seeing you dead was in some ways a relief. The world you were coming into was not ready for you in any way. Its chaotic nature would have swallowed you alive ready to spit you in the next lake of burning sulfur. Once you were in, there was no resting. You came in crying and you went out silent, maybe shocked of the world in the few minutes you were in it. I wish I could express fully how poor it feels to be alive and poor. Nothing makes sense and all we do is look for meaning, we hold on to the slightest meaning of things dearly because they keep us from going insane. It is amazing how insane it is to be normal.
Personally, I know I would not have been enough for you after all, no parent knows what they do raising a child until the child makes the decision of who they want to be from personality to life choices. Apparently what most adults turned out to be is not what their parents had in mind. Some became parents at the point when the child was born and others looked forward towards that particular day when their title changed. I for one, was among those who woke up feeling old as a child was on the way. I had not prepared myself in any way though it had been 8 months since I knew you were coming. It felt strange to know that I was going to be a father. I had chosen your name but your mother wanted something African for heritage and so Kilisha came into being.
I did not talk to your mother often, we were not on good terms since she told me you were coming. We talked whenever she was headed to the clinic for a check-up after that it was a whole month of silence. I am still surprised of how I rushed to the hospital on that day, she told me she was at the ER. It was exciting and strange at the same time. I guess the fact that I was going to be a daddy was exciting.
I met Your mother at one of my friend’s birthday. She was dressed in a blue floral dress with a matching pair of stilettos. Her handbag was on the seat I had sunk into, deeply absorbed in my phone. She stood by my side awaiting the perfect moment to take her bag. I cradled my phone moving from app to app. It was no longer exciting when I looked up and saw her. I cowered as usual. She was ravishing. She smiled. Emily knew her charms and she employed them whenever necessary. It took me a minute before uttering my first word.
“How long have you been standing here?”
She continued smiling as I cleared my voice to allow for a more audible voice. I smiled back and signaled her to lean in. She pointed to her handbag.
“Oh, I am sorry. Let me get it for you.”
She moved away so quickly without much of a care. I followed her eyes slowly absorbing every inch of her body. She was beautifully created. In my heart I knew I had to shoot once more, this time audibly. It took me a minute before I saw Muli laughing at me.
“Bro, stay away from her. She came here with my uncle. I don’t know what they are doing here but time will tell.”
“Please, tell me she is not under his wing”
“Buda, mimi sijui huyo dame. Ni first time yangu kumwona but amekam na uncle yangu. So tulia ufunzwe kuishi.”
“OK, but try looking for more information.”
I had to change the whole agenda of coming to the birthday. I had come to eat and drink but now I had a prize to win.
An hour later we met and that day was the day your life begun. It has been a journey with her, down to 3 years and the last year with her became hell on earth. We couldn’t agree on anything. We had different ways of life and with such we parted ways. It was painful to watch her go. What I could not get was the fact that I loved her but I wanted her gone. It was impossible to see her leave but she walked and walked until she started fading in my mind. The look on her face that day still lingers in my mind. Despair was all I could see, she reeked of it even from afar. There was nothing I could do that could change her mind.
A month later she called, she was pregnant. She was anticipating you. I was scared, she sounded very happy. I had my doubts and she seems assured of everything. My idealessness pushed her away and so we talked once whenever need arose.
Son, you should be thankful of the short life you enjoyed, of the troubles you never experienced, of the heartache you never saw coming, of the lack you never had to endure for in this wretched world all those are nightmares that come true. Just like dreams, nightmares too come true. They follow you in shadows ready to strike, ready to pounce on any chance to devour you.
The world as we know it has changed and you are among the lucky ones who will not know of the turmoil it offers. It is in chaos and balance eluded long ago leaving behind a world run by give and take. You gain as you lose and sometimes you lose so much that what you gained seems useless. The main pillars of life are long destroyed and are now crumbling down due to pressure.
Family which for you at the very start would have been torn, your mother did not love me and your presence was not going to change that. You were just another pawn in the game, a number adding up to the statistic. You should be thankful wherever you are and pray for those living for they are enduring hell. We fight evil with despairing hearts such that it wins every time. No matter the evil, lesser or greater, we are left soiled in its stench. No matter what you choose to go against you will always get beaten down. There is no escaping making the choice. So your life would have been of competing parents and at some point I as the dad, giving up. I am certain I would leave at some point never to look back and you would hate me for that. The fact is when overwhelmed, I leave, I pull myself off like a sticker making sure I get every part of myself away from what is dragging me down. You escaped such a life.
As for education, you would enjoy your junior years, the later years would turn out to be awful and as time went by you would love to know what makes you tick, what makes you do what pleases you. These are the years when everything will be confusing you would wish to sleep and wake up at 40 years old with a peaceful wife and a family.It would change you completely. You will no longer recognize yourself. It will be from how different you breathe, how you walk, talk and your overall attitude. You will be giving people looks that speak of disgust and hate without uttering a word but then it is part of life.
As it goes on, college will be gone and in no time you will be working or searching for work. These are the times you will feel overwhelmed by what the system created. You would wish to shout and inform those behind you that it is all a lie, but then experience is the best teacher. You will suffer and laugh with those who are suffering the same way as you. There will be people better than you, richer than you, smarter than you and then there will be people way lesser your level. All you will have is attitude to both situations.
Health will come by as challenging as it gets. It follows the same way life does. You are born with lesser of it, you acquire it from the environment and as you grow old, the same environment affects you. It deteriorates with time to the point of your death. An old man once told me, youths attract diseases while the old folks, diseases go after them. It is a vicious circle that you successfully escaped. You should be dancing delightfully for hacking into something many have tried and failed.
With all these, we still manage to stay sane and breathe daily. At some point you become pressured such that you might forget to breathe in. I have lived for a short time and all I can say it is not so different, people are the ones who are different but the game is the same.
We get robbed of our innocence, we get humiliated and abused but we still keep living. It gets so bad that you have to hold onto things that will wake you up, things that will keep you from strangling yourself, things that will keep you from ending it all. Some believe in the money, others believe in God, others are just going through the system without much of believing. Then others disregard, the existence of God. All in all, these are what make them feel comfortable. Things that make them feel different.
I was not able to bury you, I did not muster the energy. You were too much too soon. We had to cremate your little body. I know you could have had your choices, a life but it is all in vain. Being alive right now at this time and age is the biggest scam. Rest in peace Kilisha.