I don’t think we were ever meant to be, not by any shot. The circumstances we find ourselves in don’t allow that, they don’t nourish that, they don’t encourage it and will never allow it to flourish. I can’t say I am sorry nor do I regret being close to you but some relations are just that-no next level.
The first time we met, it was wonderful. All I could see was your presence. I hugged you and felt the energy in you craving to be tapped. I saw myself in the future you by my side. Probably in our forties with two or one kid. Life would be different; I would be a different person since you always had a way to change things even if it meant shuffling them. I would not recognize myself but you would be happy for having to finish your project. In your eyes I would be a masterpiece, your masterpiece. I for one would be growing desperate by day, tired by the second, eventually all would tumble down. Your dreams of a loving husband and a normal family, a perfect life would crush from the buildup of unshared hatred.
Hatred of the things you made me do, of the things I had to absorb just not to see you angry. Suddenly it will feel like I am human and I too have my flaws which you overlooked in the spark of the moment. I don’t blame you, I will not blame you. You were a beautiful fleeting moment in my life like a snug in a cruise, you hit and stay for a while before deciding to go on with your life.
I know you want to hold onto this, but it was dead before I even distanced myself. The earlier you recognize this the better. I don’t want to be your obsession nor your idol that’s too much expectation to put on a person. I cannot live up to that. It is just impossible.
I know it won’t be easy but for the same reasons I stayed, I will be leaving. Your politeness makes it hard for me to be me. I can’t laugh in a certain way, I cannot dress casually and comfortably, I cannot touch some places on your body, I cannot hold your hand in public, what of a kiss? Will you allow me to drop one on you in public?
I didn’t try my best, I saw no reason since no matter the effort, your resistance was great. What you didn’t fancy was not going to happen. We would rather sit in silence for days that you admitting to letting loose.
I am a random person, I don’t follow structures and that comes as a mess, a hot mess and for you it would have stained and stayed for all the time we would be together. My randomness was going to hurt you, hurt your ego, hurt your meekness and I am not ready to see you shed tears just because I was being myself.
After our first encounter, we stayed apart for six months which saw us growing differently but you still hung on the idea that I would one day fall for you, fall for your love, love you wholeheartedly. However, I didn’t, I haven’t. All that time, you crossed my mind severally but all I could see were the times we were together that led us to stay away from each other.
We met again for the second time. You were still single, good for you but I had jumped right into the pool and I was soaking wet, by the time we met. We talked for a while and you let loose the floodgates. Your emotions were all over. You wanted to know why we couldn’t be together, why I could not go out with you, you wanted to know why I always chose to stays indoors with you. You wanted me to be more outgoing, to let go of my habitual binge-watching of movies and TV shows and go out. You wanted to know why I was so stubborn when we held conversations about the world, religion, politics and above all parenthood.
You did not subscribe to the fact that I did not care about anything. You didn’t ask why and I never said. You hated my attitude towards life. You wanted me to stand up for something. It was not going to happen. Still for the second time, your timing was off.
Before we made out the first time. I told you I was seeing someone but you didn’t care. You wanted me just for yourself-how selfish. We shagged severally and the idea of having two ladies at the same time ate me inside out. You asked once about her after informing you of our timely breakup. I could see your face beaming up with a smile but you said, “I am sorry. It is going to be okay.”
Of course it was okay, we made love, you had new energy or so your brought game. I could not recall any other time that you gave your all. I was sold that night, but not totally sold.
The second time I also told you I am seeing somebody and you went silent for a month. You resurfaced and argued that we should be together, that that was the second time we were hitting it off. We talked for the whole night and before we could sleep early in the morning you asked confidently as if not weird enough, “What do you think about us?”
It caught me off guard, I stood up and went to the shower and went to my house. I was not ready to talk about us because there was no future. You always ruined the present with your future proposals or your past pains. You couldn’t just stay here where it shines brightly, you had to dim the light.
I am old enough to marry, I am at that particular age where thoughts of marriage creep into the mind by default but I always push them down or away. I don’t want to think about spending my entire life with someone. As beautiful as everyone makes it feel, it scares the shit out of me plus the responsibility of worrying about the wellbeing of somebody else.
I will always fail at being married. My poor attitude towards it being tolerance, being brutally honest and wanting to be free of no obligations, doing what I want when I want however I want it. Your presence will ruin or hold hostage everything I ever dream of.
I don’t know if you have noticed but I am insensitive at the most inopportune times. I tend not to stay in touch with human feelings which will probably make me a bad father and a husband too. Being able to empathize is something that I have been unable to grasp. It just slips between my fingers.
I hope this finds you happy as it may devastate you. We cannot work out not in a billion years. We are different people and I cannot tolerate your unending need to change me. You’re always looking for ways to improve me as you say it.
The look on your face when I try to harbor hair disgusts me. It reeks of disappointment which is an emotion I can’t deal with. For now, we go our separate ways. Be smooth it will work out, you will get what you’re looking for, something I cannot provide, something I have been unable to give you.
Enjoy your life while you can, whether short or long. My presence in your life was just a distraction and if it went on long enough it would turn to be a disruption to your perfect life. As you had asked, I have thought about us and all I can see is a dark cloud of sadness, pity and turmoil. Pain would be our daily portion and that’s not a way to live life. Enjoy what’s left of your promised life.