Hello dear this might be the furthest we will ever go to connecting, so allow me to call you dear. Come to think of it, the name has no weight as it used to be. I hope you are great wherever you are, we are yet to meet but I am sure we will one day or even sooner. The funny thing is that the universe has a way of making us meet no matter how much we will try to run. I’m writing this to inform you in advance what you are coming for or just to send you away and give you reasons to turn away at whatever point we may meet.
I know you will be great, you will have your flaws too but I may overlook them. You will be beautiful as the sunrise in the beach and as promising as the sunset in the mountains. You will be bold, brave and ready to stand up for yourself. You will not be walking into a relationship broken, with hidden motive nor daddy issues. You will be as clean as they come. Ready to build, ready to guide and ready to grow for in your presence life prevails in abundance. In your presence flowers blossom with no withering features. For in your presence water glides on rocks making them smooth instead of going through them. You will be delicate but hardened. You will be you.
You will come happy, and with the understanding of how the universe operates. You will be in the know that sometimes life just f***s you for the sake of it. You will have known grief and came out strong, you will have known hunger but endured, and you will have stayed awake through nights of terror but faced daylight smiling. You will not be hiding your pain behind a faint smile. You will not be hiding your esteem issues under a perfect skin tone. You will be in appreciation of each flaw you have. You will be there when the times are hard and when the times are great. You will be there knowing that we are different and we like our bread buttered or dry or dipped in tea before we take it. You will understand this even by the way we write on paper with different hand writings. You will understand when I make a mistake and confess for you will forgive me.
However all will be bullshit, all will be a fairy tale. It will be the life of a butterfly in a burning forest, delicate. Since I will still be the same, no changes even after 99 times of trial. Just like life is a culmination of death, the end will be what I will await. Just like some funerals are bigger than birthdays I will celebrate the end of this one as it will be the… well you know the number. I will anticipate its end, like a maggot awaits a corpse ready to devour the remains. This is what I am, this is what I will always be. Your influence will not change me, no, not by any shot, long or short. Proudly, I will watch you leave, broken as you may be I will never know but one thing is you will have a juicy one for your friends who will be waiting for you by the road. To comfort you or just listen to your experience as they giggle to the parts where you sound hurt, they will punctuate each sentence with sighs, pauses and long stares but this time they will not cry with you. For they warned you, they advised you not to dare sit beside me but then again, feelings makes us stupid in every simple ways.
You will sit on the bed with them, narrate an embellished story to which they will listen carefully to your satisfaction. They will not break down as you would expect of them. This time round they will watch you drown in your sorrows as they will be high in the sky riding their “I told you so” Pegasus.
I am a ticking time bomb and I blame not the society as I chose to be this way. I chose to tread on this road where the few who walked here died as early as need be. I chose to watch the world with angry eyes and resentment. I have cried due to the decisions I have made until I cannot cry anymore. I grew complacent to the ways of the world. I understand that it will not deal with me right not by any chance. I am a rolling fireball and that is why I will burn you, it will not matter what encounter we will have but I will burn you. The annoying fact is I will enjoy watch you burn with a smirk.
I have never experienced love, not in any form. My mother abandoned me when I was six years old. All I can recall was hearing her say, “He will not even remember me, he is too young.” At 6 years, I had a clear picture of who she was, I could identify her with my eyes closed from the texture of her skin, her enticing smell, her excruciating voice and her painful smile. These were the features that made her stand out. Growing up I decided not to go after her, I had to make a life for myself. Romantic love has proved to be too elusive in every sense. I have made peace with that.
I may be stepping into that for the wrong reasons, or just for the sheer entertainment but it has never worked out not by even a small chance. It became clear to me that I had to play safe with my heart, I had to protect it but we all know he who protects his heart has already lost it. I have always fought my battles to run away from the fact that vulnerability arose from familiarity.
I identified at a tender age that the universe is a twelve inch d*** that is ready to screw you any time it gets a chance and whenever you feel like all is going on well, the universe is limp and soft awaiting a hard-on. The small periodic moments of happiness cannot be elongated no matter what, we just enjoy them as they come as we prepare ourselves for the next session with the universe. I have always ensured I read my bouts of up and down to prepare myself for the downward moments, I have achieved to be ready when the universe is coming to collect, no fuss no harm. I have learnt not to struggle with the universe instead I have embraced its darkness.
One relationship that lingers in my mind up to date lasted for 6 months, I still pat my back for that length of time. I remember Betty from the way she smiled heartily, she gave it all in her smiles but she was too dark for me. Combined we would have shook the universe to its core but I have always wanted to be discreet, bite but also act like you are healing. Betty was beautiful but boiling evil inside, the day we broke up, she did not leave my keys until the next week. I found the keys by the window as I entered the house. It was smelly, the sitting room was properly disorganized, and the bedroom was organized more than I had left it in the morning. The kitchen had been cleaned with one sufuria on the cooker, it was covered. The kitchen had a peculiar odor. On uncovering the sufuria, there was shit, hot steaming shit. I must have missed her by a few minutes. I don’t know how she did that or why she did it but I found it funny in a dark way. That was the last time I ever heard of her. We broke up on her birthday over the phone, I was heading home in the afternoon to plan for her party when it hit me, “What was the essence of it all,” and I called her to kill the whole project. She did me shit. It was where I learnt that if you have to consume then be ready to take care of your shit.
Elsa came in a year later, we lasted for a two hours like speed dating. I met her at a restaurant, talked for fifteen minutes before she started throwing cues. She had a short white dress which was still clean for 3 pm in the day. Underneath she had nothing. I never asked why she had decided to go commando but these were things that drove me to the cliff. She stood up to go refresh and whispered in my ear, “I may take long but you can always check where I go.” I sat at the table for five minutes before going to the washroom. I found her in the men’s room. A moment passed, as we passionately intertwined in hot steaming shagging. We came out clean as we had ensured her white dressed was as it was-clean. We talked for another hour as we ate, my mind was travelling and a moment passed before I excused myself. I left her at the restaurant smiling.
It is a wonder I am still alive and healthy but I still resented life. I resented the gaps between people, rich and poor, silent and talkative, enabled and disabled. I resented how people treated each other, I resented how human beings acted and reacted to and around each other. It was foolishly mesmerizing.
Connecting with someone takes chance and courage. I have at one point opened up to someone I was falling for but they shut me out completely. You know how you are pouring out you fears, secrets, just saying things and those who have hurt you almost crying then somebody says out of nowhere that you should see other people. “I meant she was there and I was looking at her, how else was I supposed to see other people and we were alone with her?” I had her in mind, heart and eyes but she wanted me to choose other people, people I have never met.
You do know that love is an expression of familiarity over time. I will be around and about making myself familiar and when it all aligns, I will run away or just push you away. If it all seems to run smoothly, I will start misbehaving until you go away. I will always make it your choice to let go first, maybe it is because I am not used to being treated good for long. You will have to leave.
I have cheated severally and I don’t think I will be able to stop soon. The forbidden fruit is sweet when stolen. It is the same feeling as taking meat from the pot, you will always go back for more and with each lady I was with knew I was cheating. I always informed them, no attachments.
You will come to realize that it was not you it was me, I will do you dirty in every foreseeable way. It might be because I enjoy other people’s pain or just I love watching other suffer, but I will do you dirty. I hope you get a chance to meet me before the universe forces us together. Someone said I treat my friends better than my girlfriends, it might be true but I have never looked into it. If we met before it would be your advantage but then don’t fall for the hugs and pecks. It will get cloudy sooner than you think and the sun will be hidden among the rain-bearing clouds, you will not see the light nor feel the warmth, it will be raining heavily. It will rain on things you hold dear, it will rain on your sanity, it will rain to the point you are mad. When you are soaked wet, deep in the shit, you will turn to look and I will be gone, I will not stick around to help you.
I will leave you broken to the point where when a stray dog barks at you, you will cry that night to sleep, you will be broken such that dark humor lacks the touch, and anything negative will affect you. You will be afraid of the prying eyes of people. You will lock yourself away for months as your life deteriorates almost to my level. You will hate your existence but you will still be attached to me such that whenever my name is mentioned you will smile and then talk to yourself as you curse me. You will run away if you see me walking towards you, you will run away shy but also wanting to come back to a point of almost falling.
Deep in my heart I will be sorry but too stupid or obstinate to apologize. I will stay away from you and wallow in my pain, self-loathe and sabotage as I try to keep a straight head. We may meet once again but this time we will be throwing glances from a distance. You will be dressed in a long flowing red dress that follows your body at all the right places, I will be in my usual T-shirt and a pair of jeans. I will have a glass of wine in hand, you will be fidgeting and cradling your pouch as you try to avoid me. You will start walking towards me before the bride comes fully dressed in her wedding gown. She is the reason you came to this scum-ridden place only to see me, disgusted you will stay. The bride will see you and you will watch in tears as we run towards the parked white Mercedes. You will wish me good luck but also pray that we got hit by a truck. Crying you will feel like messing around with the groom but you will be too shy for that. You will head home, to your lonely mansion, this time round ready to do it.
Pills in hand you will swallow them with a gulp of wine and then the wrist will open. Drips will ooze with finality of the end but before your eyes close completely you will hear a bang and as your hopes arose, that a savior was coming, breathes will be shorter. You will realize no one was coming, probably it was your neighbor’s kid. You will try uttering the last prayers but the devil was waiting for you.
Your Valentine to be,
Death stalks silently.