By now you will be at home happily waiting for me, eagerly checking your phone for any message from me. You will stare for a while at the wall clock trying to count to a hundred waiting for the second arm to move. You would have grown tired of the movies; the TV shows would be of bitter taste as you wait. You will switch off the TV to concentrate on your phone and to muster every ounce of energy in you not to let go of the wearing patience.
This was our routine; your work allowed you to work from home and I left for mine. We would meet at home. I always find you seated patiently waiting for our reunion in the evening. We would go to the kitchen together to prepare a meal then take a shower together as I laid the table you will be busy turning the bedroom into the fantasy I loved. A red room full of dim light with a faint sound of music, a room we would later sink in as we allowed the animalistic instincts take over. We had done this over and over, changing the lighting occasionally but always ended up to the dim yellowish light. This was our time.
Today you waited for me but I would fail to turn up as per the usual five in the evening. Today I will be nowhere to be seen or heard. I will not call or text just an old letter by the pillow. By the time you get to it, read through tears rolling down your cheeks, your heart slowly increasing its beats, I will be gone. I wanted out and this was the only way I saw how.
Forgive me for doing this through a letter, I lacked the courage to face you, to tell you were not enough, to tell you that after even moving in, to tell you your love was too much and your neediness pushed me away, to tell you that it was all a fantasy as dreams change so do fantasies, to tell you that I held you in high regard such that when reality hit I was unable to adapt, to tell you that I’m frightened by the future, that I’m afraid of marriage. To tell you that it was impossible even after promising you all the life ahead of us. I am sorry for reacting too late.
You were and still are such a beautiful soul, not one with a past to cleanse just a future to mold. You are an intelligent lady who despite all my flaws: my barbaric nature of holding onto traditions, my weird fetishes to which you obliged and tried to accommodate me. You are like a mother hen, ready to shield all chicks no matter their origin. You understood people are different and appreciated that. You never judged, you always saw beyond the lies, beyond appearances and pretense. You enjoyed arguments derived from points of view supported by experience and facts; you enjoyed networking and company of new people. You were always a peoples’ person, so charismatic. You had managed to help me face my weakness, fears and shortcomings but I never conquered them.
You wanted a connection and I was unable to provide an intimate one. You wanted to go out and I wanted to stay indoors watching movies and reading. You wanted to create memories by touching the heart of the earth and helping those in need. I always came between you and your desires. You wanted it all and I became dead weight, always lagging behind doing nothing to help your case. Despite all this, you stayed, you stayed because you felt I could change, you stayed because you believed in the future. You stayed because in your mind you saw a future where I will be able to engage you, talk to you, travel with you. A future where I will help you light the embers of what you hold passionately.
We had memories from the few times we had gone out, we had experiences from the mistakes we had made but most of all I enjoyed your presence in every way, I recall the day we went to the library after running away from work, we met there at ten in the morning, spent the whole day going through books. You had your admirations about love and romance, I was into history, other-worldly occurrences and books connected us. Surprisingly at lunch you managed to whip out sandwiches. We ate as we tried not to make noise and prevent disturbing others. That night we slept at three in the morning as we had discussed of what we read, what we had captured. Throughout the discussion I had dominated the talk because as you later said, I always felt like I had more to say.
I remember the day we went hiking and you slide into the river, I joined you we started playing with water, we swam, jumped, sank and re-emerged. The water was eventually to dirty for us and we had to dry our clothes. We managed to undress and wait for them to dry, it was so fortunate that no one came by the remote side of the forest. An hour went by and we had a moment fantasizing about sex in the wild, we toyed around with the idea until the clothes dried and we headed home. That evening we made love passionately as you coiled your body around me, arms by my back. It was amazing.
I also recall the day we visited the botanical garden and you had to speak for the whole afternoon lecturing me on various plants and their uses. You dwelled so much on flowers and I thought maybe you could have switched from investing in writing and owning a bookshop to being a florist. Later you presented me with an Aster, I came to learn what it symbolized but it was too late I had already given up.
I’m sorry we could not create any more memories. I am sorry for having dragged you through an alley of love hope and a future together only to despair. I don’t if I will ever love, I don’t know if I ever loved you, I don’t know even how loves feels. I have read it in books but the descriptions felt fake. The overwhelming emotions didn’t come to me as easily as they were supposed to. Maybe it was because of my skepticism or I just held back too much. I always allowed myself to follow logic and to the extent where we ended up together I saw it fit until now, until today and as I write this letter, my heart aches. It aches from having to let you go, it aches from a future we could have, it aches because in the end it was I who sabotaged everything.
I know we had been at it thrice and this third time it seemed like we could work it out as it lasted for a little over a year. I know I have wronged you more than twice but you always came back. This time round don’t, don’t come looking for me, and don’t come after me. Just work on getting yourself together, work on achieving your goals without me in the picture after all you were already doing that without my so much needed support.
Marriage had been a dreadful idea and I could not bring myself to being with one person my whole life. I know to you it sounds exciting but to me that felt like a burden. In the end it felt like all will be lost. At any point when the pressure had accumulated, I would have walked away. Children were your one dream but for me, it was too much too soon. I could not picture myself a father. What kind would I be? Would I be enough for them? Would I be able to cater to their every need and question?
I had always taken advantage of what we had, I felt entitled to it but then good things must and will always come to an end. Maybe you allowed me to do this to you as in my twisted mind; I was more than a boyfriend to you. From the way you looked at me, the way you talked around me, the way you smiled and the way you obediently attended to my requests, I felt the need of me being there. Maybe this may have been what drove me to misbehave.
I have imagined every possible scenario where we are together and I could see a dysfunctional family, a bitter wife and an angry husband. After years of bottling up emotions they would finally want out no matter the passage, and this would affect our family. I will be angry due to the dissatisfaction of having to live on an idea rather than accepting the real you. Our children would have grown to be misfits, a trait they got from both of their parents whom the world had forced them together but they had a choice and didn’t want to choose. We could have just ridden it out but my heart had grown weary and a future in the dark was not one I wanted to endure.
I have chosen this way in my right mind, knowing very well that it will break you but you will recover even more strongly. I don’t know about my future but loving again is over. I didn’t love you and you were so amazing. I will find a way to stay sane through all this and manage to live my own life despite the lack of love in it. You loved me so much and I didn’t know how to reciprocate that.
I have always believed in soul mates, a person you were meant to have till death done you apart. I could see you saw me in your future but I didn’t see you in mine. To me you were like a passing breeze in the summer, good but soon it will be over and the scorching sun will sear through the skin.
I appreciate you, for having endured my ratchet behavior, for believing in me but it is time gain you changed that. Yester-night was the last time you saw me. As painful as it is, I had to do it. I had to fight for what I believe in and that was not you.
Forgiving for wasting your time, forgiving me for overusing your resource I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know you will move on with time. At least this letter will be something of a closure and if not then may God be with you. I cannot do more than this.
For the past few months I had lived like an elastic string under pressure, I wanted to go but I waited around to see if I could change my heart, I wanted around to test the depth of the water and time went by darkness clouded my heart and I could not hold anymore. I’m sorry about all this.
This night you will spend alone, the pillow and the bed will not feel the same way. The duvet will be colder than usual. My absence will take toll in to the night as you would want me around. I’m sure you would have prepared the bedroom as per usual request but the whole ambience will feel like an insult.
Getting here was all you, thank you for letting me find my light. Thank you for directing me here. You are great and all these may be because I just had to live this way. It was my fate and now that I’m embracing it, it’s less painful. I am slowly dancing to its tune and it feels great. I wish I had discovered this earlier. All the heartaches I have caused you would be non-existence.
I want to apologize for all the promises I had made in the heat of passion and in moments of weakness and glee. I’m sorry for the future we never got to live. Go on with your life, have a little of wine and treat your body to the best the world has to offer. All this fear, pain and anger will soon subside and you will be whole again. Don’t let my shortcomings drive you to craziness. It will all be over soon. I am gone. Just live your life. All this was an idea I conjured in my mind, seeing you as the perfect lady for me but it was all in futility of a poorly constructed pleasure. I am sorry dear.